someone owes me an orgasm
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
