Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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