We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
