I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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