I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
