we have officially lost it.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
