if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
