I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I could make wine with my vomit
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
