it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
foreskin is a definite game changer
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
