the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize