I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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