I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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