the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
