i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
