I only kidnapped one of them. chill
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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