My nipple is on Facebook.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
