it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
