new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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