so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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