mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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