I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
he laminated a picture of his dick.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
