Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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