May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
