i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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