Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
