I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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