Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
