I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
