there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
