I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
