i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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