you're like a bully in the Christmas story
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
