sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
