we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
