my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
