'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
