I'm so fucking centered right now
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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