all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
