I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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