I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
