I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
