Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
