i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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