but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
