atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
