Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
