Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
