mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
