He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
