Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
