well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
