I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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