Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
