I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
