We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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