when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
