i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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